Get the knowledge and tools you need to deal with difficult situations constructively.
Do you feel like your partner’s anger and irritation have a big impact on you, especially when they are directed at you? Do you feel like you run out of energy when your partner gets angry or upset?
Avoid 10 typical reactions to your partner’s anger and irritation
These reactions damage the relationship, exacerbate problems and undermine positive feelings.
1. You get angry – and decide to respond with anger
this usually contributes to making your partner even angrier. Soon your relationship threatens to escalate into conflict.
2. You are angry – but you suppress the emotion and later unleash it on your partner
you may appear tolerant and accepting on the outside, yet harbour hostility on the inside. You may be late for a meeting, say hurtful words, refuse to help or behave in a similar way.
3. Going against what your partner asks of you
you are so affected by your partner’s unpleasant behaviour that you become confrontational, closing your ears and heart and thinking, “You can’t tell me what to do, I’m on my own.”
4. You automatically blame yourself and think, “It’s my fault.”
this autopilot state, known in research as “internalisation”, involves taking responsibility for the mistakes of others. If you repeatedly internalise indiscriminately, your partner will not be able to learn from your mistakes and take responsibility for them.
5. Your self-esteem takes a hit: ‘I’m not good enough’
this often happens if you have struggled in the past with a parent or sibling who was often angry and critical. Your partner’s anger and irritation can touch and exacerbate old emotional wounds.
6. You start defending and explaining yourself
even when your partner’s anger and irritation are justified, you apologise. When you apologise, you focus more on understanding your partner than getting in your partner’s way.
7. You become completely silent and shut down
your signals may feel like an emotional disconnect. Your partner may feel “left out in the cold” and not know how to reconnect.
8. You become very upset and hurt – unable to “get on with your life
your negative, sad and hurt feelings persist and grow over time, not really giving your partner a chance to make amends.
9. You take your partner’s angry words literally
you believe your partner really means what he or she says in anger and you observe how your partner’s deepest thoughts and feelings are revealed in such situations. you remember these words more than words spoken with love and care.
10. You don’t give your partner – or yourself – time to calm down
when you and your partner are heated and angry, the brain usually only remembers the negative. Why? Because the brain cannot imagine positive change or come up with solutions until it has cooled down.
Use your knowledge of the 10 reactions
If you recognise one or more of these reactions, changing your approach can change the way you interact with your partner. Hvad er vrede. It can give you and your partner a deeper understanding, a stronger love and more peace, vitality, spark and humour in your relationship.
Try to see it as a challenge you can grow with, rather than a problem you are stuck with:
· Remember that coal turns into diamonds under great pressure. Try to let your partner’s pressure shine your inner diamond – instead of making you ‘black’.”
· Resolve not to retaliate with the same – but instead elevate yourself, your partner and the relationship.
· Reward yourself every time you change your behaviour and break the pattern.
Your partner’s anger and irritation may be unpleasant, but it usually becomes twice as unpleasant for you to go through the situation if you also find yourself being pressured to behave in a way you regret.
So try to deal with the discomfort while staying in touch with a constructive, valid and strong part of yourself. Important point: when you do this, you also help your partner to do the same. This is a very effective way to create positive change.